My week so far:
MONDAY
It was Drew’s last day off track, and right after Mother Nature dumped three feet of snow in our yard we entered unseasonably warm weather around here, so Drew and I decided to spend his last day of freedom looking for our town’s best gelato. (Would you buy it if I tried to sell you on this being all Drew’s idea?) Located just a little southwest of Florence, Italy, Denver offers a variety of gelato hotspots. So we hopped on the internet and found a location conveniently situated a quick thirty minute drive away, and (BONUS!) the online ad said I could get 10% off my bill if I said, “Grazie!” after I ordered. (Seeing as I once memorized the entire BYU Fight Song to get a free milkshake at my college dorm, this ought to be a piece of cake!) Drew ordered chocolate birthday cake, while I focused on flavors involving whole hazelnuts, and then I piped up my voice to make sure it reached over the counter and said, “Grazie!” in my best Italian accent. And then…(((crickets))) My recently-graduated-from-high-school-gelato-scooper looked at me like, “Hi. Do you have hobbies? ‘Cuz you should probably get one. And you might consider Italian classes.” So then he went to ring me up and DIDN’T give me the 10% off, and I was like, “Porca vacca!” (that’s Italian for “crap” – seriously) But was I really going to bring it up to save sixty cents? Not. What would you have done?
TUESDAY
I hit a coyote. True story. I kind of live in the boonies and so rabbits, deer, and coyotes are almost as normal as seeing Jon Gosselin’s face on my Comcast home page. So the other night I was driving the back roads when a coyote bolted in front of me and I gave him a nose job. I also gave him a hard core pedicure, Michelin style. Poor, poor coyote.
WEDNESDAY
I got my hair done for the first time since Reagan left office, and then I went to sign up for a Costco membership so when people say stuff like, “Have you had those rolls from Costco?” I can be like, “Dude! Those are SO GOOD,” instead of having to be all, “I don’t have a membership,” *hangs head in shame*. Plus, I had JUST GOTTEN MY HAIR DONE so I’d look hot for my new dot matrix Costco membership picture. Bonus!
THURSDAY
Quote of the day comes from my friend who just moved to a very small town: “Do you think I could call the Chamber of Commerce to see if they have an OB-GYN that doesn’t go to my church?”
FRIDAY
I’m not a fortune teller, so I don’t know what’s going to happen tomorrow. Will I finally get through to the radio station as the right caller and win some holiday cash? Will Bo & Hope reconcile? Again? (are they even still on?) Will Michael Buble show up at my front door with a dozen roses and declare his love through song? Nobody knows. So instead I’ll give you something that happened to me last Friday. To sum up: We got a certified letter stating that some of neighbors had been complaining about debris left behind by our landscaping crew. Remember, the lot next to our house is empty, so I wasn’t sure what they were talking about because there is a lot of crap over there. I mean a lot of “porca vacca” (you’ll never really learn Italian if you don’t practice speaking it!) So the HOA lady explained, “Well, they said there’s a bunch of rocks that were left behind that are just sitting there.” I went over to my window and gazed out to see if I could pinpoint the offensive debris. “Well, there are some small river rocks left behind from where they dumped a big pile, is that what you guys are talking about?” “I guess so,” she stated without much confidence. To clarify, I pressed, “Sooooo, what you’re telling me is that I’m going to be fined $100 because there are rocks in some dirt that’s NOT on my property?” “Yes,” she admitted. “This is what I’m saying.”
Okay, then. Just checking.
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