So many things go without saying, but here are a few that we never tire of saying to each other, parent to parent:
*Every child is different.
*Kids don’t come with an instruction booklet!
*Don’t squash their spirit (or dim their light).
*Let kids be kids.
*Don’t worry about the cobwebs and the dirty dishes–kids grow up fast–while you’re busy doing these things!
*Kids are their own people. They come with their own personalities.
It’s funny how often we tell each other these things, however true. What always interests me the most, however, is how these messages found on cross-stiched wall hangings are implemented by different parents. It’s conflicting advice, but we don’t really acknowledge it. It’s just something I’m thinking about.
For example, in order for me to successfully raise my children, my children must learn a certain set of skills. Important ones. Like being able to work at a job to get money, wash their bedding, be kind to other people, and cook a meal to name a few. I realize that some people function in the world without being able to do some of these things, but, for argument’s sake, lets say I’m onto something. Because, really, do you fully trust someone who doesn’t know how clean a toliet?
So what happens if teaching a child to pick up their socks is “squashing their spirit?” Are you letting your “kid be a kid” by cleaning their room, with or without making it a game or singing a song to help sweeten the deal? What if who your child is is someone who just wants to sit around and play video games all day? I’m only slightly kidding.
Of course a lot of the responses to that line of thinking is talk about balance and intent and a time and a place and all of that, and, although I agree, I think it’s important to acknowledge that we do the same kind of thing to ourselves. We say:
*Love yourself for who you are.
*Accept your body the way it is.
*Free to be you and me!
*Embrace diversity!
*You are good enough (and, gosh darnit, people like you!)
*It is our flaws that make us human
. . . and yet we make resolutions to be better and do better maybe with the intent that it will enhance who we really are, but what it really means is that we want to change us. Into something different. Like, not so fat. Or more patient. You know, different. And we’re suspicious of people who are different from us, especially when it comes to parenting. If someone parents different than us, we are quick to justify our own parenting techniques. (Don’t believe me? Well, do you have an opinion on public school, computer time, dating, or sleepovers?) And, as parents, what we really want is to love our kids just how they are, but with some changes. Sometimes we wait to see how things will turn out, but most of the time we’re correcting and teaching and hoping that they won’t always talk back with that disrespectful tone, chew with their mouths open, or jump on us when we’re trying to take a nap . Even if that’s who they are.
I’ve seen families where the parents never correct or teach their kids and the kids run the schedule, the house, the mood of the home. It isn’t pretty. Oh sure, it sounds like rainbow and Fruity Pebbles and unicorns, but it’s usually more like dog hair, chaos, and rotten ranch dressing (don’t ask). Of course we love our children unconditionally. Of course, but can we be more realistic with the advice? We all want to be better, but none of us is perfect. As we’re striving to become better, little by little, when do we teach “good enough!” and when do we say “try harder!” You won’t read that on an embroidered pillow.
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