Light Refreshments Served

The other day I was organizing some files when I found a letter written by my dad over ten years ago.  I had called home for my mom’s recipe for potato salad (because I’m picky, and hers is the best) but my mom wasn’t home, and my dad was inspired to reply in writing.  We do a lot of recipes here at Light Refreshments Served, but none quite like this.  Here’s a copy of his letter:

Dear family:

Kristy called a few minutes ago to ask for a recipe for potato salad.  Mom was not here to give her the recipe so I quickly offered to share mine — she suddenly had an emergency come up and had to hang up — something about needing to floss immediately or her dentist would be really mad.  So I thought the next best thing would be to just type it up and mail it to all of you, in case all of you had to floss.  Kristy seemed to have two parameters: 1) She wanted a small potato salad and,  2) She had two 5# bags of potatoes she wanted to use.

I believe both parameters can be achieved but considerable pressure would be necessary and the salad would  probably come out in tiny crystalline cubes which could be used for cutting glass and inexpensive costume jewelry.  (Cubic Potatium has sort of a nice “ring” — bad pun — don’t you think?)

1.  Boil 10# of potatoes in a cauldron.  Count the number of potatoes.
2.  Boil one egg for each potato.  (Boil them all at once–timing is everything!)
3.  Add one bottle of mayonnaise for each egg.  (Use only Best Foods Mayo - the other brands have too many eggs in them thus upsetting the delicate balance.)
4.  Add one dill pickle for each bottle of mayonnaise.
5.  Get a bigger cauldron.
6.  Add one sweet pickle for each dill pickle.
7.  Put on arm length plastic gloves.
8.  Retrieve all the boiled eggs and remove the shells.
9.  Add one bunch of cilantro for each sweet pickle.
10.  Add one purple onion for each bunch of cilantro.
11.  Retrieve the arm length plastic gloves.
12.  Add one bottle of Dijon Honey Mustard for each purple onion.
13.  Get a bigger cauldron.
14.  Salt and pepper to taste. (One container of salt and pepper for each plastic glove is usually sufficient.)
15.  Put plastic gloves back on.
16.  Retrieve the green and purple floaties (that would be pickles and onions) and chop them finely.  Carefully dump them into the cauldron.
17.  Boil 100# of potatoes and two gross of eggs.  (Hindsight is cheap.)
18.  Borrow your neighbor’s above ground pool.  Empty cauldrons into pool.
19.  Mix all contents thoroughly using carefully cleaned garden tools.
20.  Add chlorine to taste. (This prevents toe fungus.)
21.  Invite the Stake over for a potato salad and pool party–in that order.

Anyone care to try it????